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Worst Sony Animated Movies (transcript)
This is the dialogue in the video, Worst Sony Animated Movies. *''screen shows a scene from The Emoji Movie, in which the main character, Gene, is posing in the mirror, with words that read, "This video is a critique, which is considered "fair use" under section 107 of the Copyright Act 1976."'' *'PhantomStrider:' Ugh! They're asking for this! *'Boo:' Heheheh. *'PhantomStrider:' Sony! When it comes to Sony movies, sadly, we can always count on shameless product placement, obnoxious marketing, and scripts with all the thought of an orangutan's banana preference. And to celebrate what is without a doubt the worst movie yet, let's check out the absolute Worst Sony Animated Movies of All Time! Also, I'll keep this list a bit shorter than usual since I've talked about these a couple of times before, and I want to focus on the absolute slimiest corporate stain on cinema ever produced by Sony. And of course, if you do like these movies, that's great! It's just my usual silly personal opinion and I'm glad you can enjoy these movies! #5... *'#5: The Smurfs 2 (2013)' *'Narrator Smurf:' Smooth, you're upstaging the narrator. *'PhantomStrider: '''AKA: the black hole of celebrity voices. I call it that because absolutely no celebrities involved wanted anyone to know they had anything to do with this movie. Take the first Smurfs movie, then ''double the simplicity. In fact, let's make it twice as much of a bore as before. After all, all sequels must be inherently worse than than their original... a clip from Toy Story 3 unless you're Toy Story. And once again, these camera angles make me feel nauseous. I mean, take this scene; we're clearly having what is meant to be an emotional moment here, but I am feeling queasy * "Throws up" * just watching it because the camera is constantly swirling around like a broken merry-go-round. And every celebrity voice actor is even more lackluster than last time. *''says "escaped" and Papa Smurf laughs'' *'PhantomStrider: '''In fact, poor Katy Perry was so ashamed of playing the star of this movie that she is uncredited as Smurfette, the star of the movie! But I think we all recognize that voice. *'Smurfette: Is Gargamel your father? *'PhantomStrider: '''In fact, ''all ''the Smurfs are uncredited. It's like everyone who didn't show their face in this movie wanted their names ''wiped from history for ever having anything to do with this movie, but given this was nominated for a Golden Razzie award, you can't really blame them. Every actor's expression looks so plastic and soulless that I'd swear they just made evil robotic duplicates of the actors. The only actor who seems to be actually enjoying the role is Gargamel. And I'm sorry, but these blue little runts still look like freakshow garden gnomes to me! In case anyone's actually wondering, the story this time is that Smurfette gets kidnapped by Gargamel because Smurfette knows the secret formula for creating Smurfs and bleh-bleh-bleh-bleh-bleh! Smurfs 2 is at the start of the list though because, well, young kids might find it colorful and interesting, and while it's certainly not trying, it's got a kinda nice message about family at the end. *'Papa Smurf: '''We didn't believe in her because she changed, she changed because we believed in her. *'PhantomStrider: '''It might actually be meaningful if the actors didn't look so incredibly bored on set. And for #4... *#4: Open Season: Scared Silly (2016)' *'PhantomStrider: Honestly, it was a tough decision! Which was the absolute worst Open Season sequel? Open Season 3, where Boog goes off to join a freak show circus or the direct-to-DVD sequel, Scared Silly? All of these sequels have the equivalent reputation to an exiled war criminal, so it wasn't an easy choice. But in the end, the direct-to-DVD not only dumped all the original cast... *'Elliot: '''That was amazing! *'Boog: 'No, it wasn't! *'PhantomStrider: 'But could bore the teeth out of anyone. Even their under 5 demographic is gonna be reaching for their Minecraft iPads. The funny thing is that everyone who reviews this seems to have the same reaction. We all just felt hundrum and gray afterwards, like Open Season had finally managed to steal part of our souls after three consecutive sequels! Boog does all the standard juvenile behaviors you'd expect from a movie like this: poop studying, drag acts, poop ''eating? Oh, geebers! No! Really?! Pardon me, but I really have to address this, an entire scene in this movie is dedicated to Elliot studying fecal matter before eating it. *'Elliot: '''I can taste it! And also... ''some more pistachios? *'PhantomStrider: '''The movie kind of... tries to have a story? Elliot spends the whole film basically just trying to scare Boog for whatever cheap laughs he can manage from the under 5, and even if you ''are an Open Season fan, the movie doesn't even follow the vague canon of the original series. Not to mention, every character has been dumbed down even more than before. The plus to this one is, well, the voice actor replacements did an okay job with the characters. And the 3rd worst animated Sony movie is... *#3: Surf's Up 2: WaveMania (2017)' *'PhantomStrider: Here's a quiz! What is similar about surfing and wrestling? *'John Cena: '''Come get some! *'PhantomStrider: 'That's right, absolutely nothing! But Sony is willing to try and clumsily jam the two together ''register closing in the name of a cash grab! register opening But I've talked about this one before in Worst Cartoon Crossovers, and all that really needs to be said is... it's another WWE crossover! In fact, it's one giant, shameless, PG WWE advertisement! Besides, all that REALLY needs to be said is... *'''Mr. McMahon: '''Otters like fish! I just wish you could milk a fish! And the 2nd worst animated Sony movie is... *#2: Eight Crazy Nights (2002)' *'burps loudly in a Chinese restaraunt'' *PhantomStrider: '''What Worst Sony Animated Movies list would be complete without one of the worst animated movies of all time? Adam Sandler gives us his steadfast, utmost effort to make the most irritating Hanukkah movie to ever foul the cinema screen! *is having a seizure'' *'Davey: '''Okay, that's it! Game over! Nobody wants to see an old man die! Fatty's team loses cuz I wanna see him cry again. *'PhantomStrider: I've chattered before about this one as well though, so I'll keep this one brief too. Part of what annoys me most about this Sandler Sony flop is that it had this heavy, underlying cynicism to it. The movie's need to attack and belittle anyone ''who has ''any ''warmth or seasonal cheer to them. *'Davey: 'Listen, if they have an award for the freakiest looking fraternal twins who nobody even gives a crap about, ''you two ''are definitely winning! *'PhantomStrider: 'And the voices! The voices! *'Whitey (singing): 'I never…want this to…end!! *'PhantomStrider: 'And as people have said before, there's only so much you can watch of Sandler slamming, dumping on, and abusing a kindly older man like Whitey until you just have to turn the movie off! And before we get to #1, I wanted to give one quick honorable mention... *'Honorable Mention: The Angry Birds Movie (2016) *'PhantomStrider: '''This is actually why this list is a Top 5 instead of a Top 6; because honestly, I wanted to make fun of this movie, but honestly, I actually really enjoyed it! There were mostly clever, quick scenes that were sharp and thoughtful. Anyway, let's press on! And I have ''no ''doubts, the #1 worst animated Sony is... *'#1: The Emoji Movie (2017)' *'PhantomStrider: I didn't feel like I was watching a movie when I saw this! I felt like I was watching children be exploited by cynical corporate executives! It felt nauseating, confronting, and just left me feeling angry ''after, and I am deeply sorry I payed money to see this in cinemas! But my one hope is that some millenial out there might decide ''not ''to see this movie because of this review. The homonculus horror, distorted crapheap, avalanche distaster that ''is ''The Emoji Movie. *'Announcer: 'Meet poop! *'Poop Emoji: 'It's showtime! *'PhantomStrider: What's amazing about this movie is that merely by its existence, millenials can feel insulted that some slimy corporate weasels out there assume kids are going to see something as meaningless and blank as an emoji on their phone because they market it to them. It's the most passive-aggressive insult to millenials I've ever seen in popular culture; assuming that all that goes on in a young person's mind is the… meme or a… cool lingo phrase, and all of these feelings of disgust come just by looking at the trailer. When you sit down and actually watch the movie, it somehow gets EVEN WORSE! The tween over cool lingo hits you like a sledgehammer! I mean the introduction literally is the narrator telling the millennial audience: "You have no attention span and that's why we made this!" *'Gene:' And attention spans get shorter and shorter and… you're probably not even listening to me right now. *'PhantomStrider: ' But the poor emoticons have to be the… one emotion all the time so they can be ready to texted your phone. This is not a deep message about emotional repression; Sony said this because they know that's exactly what the generation wanted to hear. No challenge whatsoever, just pandering! This is the most sinister experiment Sony has ever made; where they finally realize they can make absolute food trough, pig trash as long as it has a popular cultural reference in it and it would still somehow sell enough to make a profit! Please! I implore you, don't see this movie! We can stop this movie ever happening again by not seeing it. By giving that $20-25 to Sony, you're encouraging the continued march out of profitable, mindless, vapid, pandering, manipulative dribble that does nothing to make kids any smarter. Even that stupid, hippie dippy haircut our main hero, Meh, has! Meh! What kind of name is that? *'Gene:' I gotta be MEH! *'PhantomStrider:' Why is that hideous, bald middle Bieber monstrosity crap wreckage style so common nowadays? I just feel so personally insulted by that haircut! So, get this! All the emojis live inside Textopolis where they hope to be selected for a text message. Complete with enough in-product placements ranging from Just Dance to Dropbox to every viral advertising app you could think of. This is worse than the Twilight craze. At least that was based off a book; a fictional world that required some thought to create. Not a lot of thought, but some thought went into it! This is based off the awkward little emoticon I put on the end of sentences. In my opinion, every millenial who saw this junkpile deserves at least one hawked-up spit on the slimy corporate shareholders that made it. No one in my audience laughed, no one cared what they were seeing, people were forced to just sit there just absorbing this giant ad we had all payed money for. This is the ultimate, wretched, corporate, cinematic dump on society, and everytime it earns another million at the box office, I feel a little more dissappointed in humanity! There's no doubt at all, we all knew this already, The Emoji Movie is the #1 Worst Animated Sony Movie of, hopefully, all time. *'The Conclusion' *'PhantomStrider: '''Watching smart and inspiring films as a child can help shape our morals, personality, and even a person's perspective. That's why it's so important we don't go to see these movies because all we have to do to stop these movies from happening is not pay money for it. That way, Sony gets the message and will be forced to make higher quality movies that will challenge and grow us as people. *'Emmet (The Lego Movie): 'It's about all of us. Right now, it's about you. *'PhantomStrider: '''Do you have a particular animated Sony movie you think I missed? If you think so, feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments. And a big thanks to you for watching and my patrons on Patreon for helping me keep doing the best I can to make videos. If you'd like to get exclusive commentaries, real thoughts, or recommend a cartoon for real thoughts, check out my Patreon at Patreon.com/PhantomStrider. And, as always, thanks for watching! And I'll see you next time! Category:Transcripts